1. Breaking Up Over the Internet
Look, breaking up is a situation that is already embarrassingly heated and emotional. An injection of the cool, impersonal logic and reasoning AIM format lends is not such a bad thing. Over the Internet, you can clearly and efficiently present your arguments for dumping a person, without the risk of being screamed at, slapped, or having to be the recipient of an icy stare. Really, if anything, breaking up over the Internet is still a tad too melodramatic for me. Next time, I will do it via PowerPoint.
2. Athletes using steroids
Any and all hubbub arising in response to athletes using steroids is ridiculous. If all athletes used steroids, do you realize how much more fun sports would be to watch? The Romans had their glistening, sinewy gladiators killing each other for entertainment; why not us?
3. Watching television for ten hours straight
It is like meditation, but not boring.
4. Lying to my mother
I view lying to my mother as no worse than lying to anybody else. In fact, lying to my mother is a little less depraved than lying to anybody else is, because most of the time, the lie is a necessity of my living a more awesome life. “I got cornered by a band of gypsies walking out of Calc, mom, can you send fifty bucks?” “I’m going to Amsterdam over spring break to teach impoverished Dutch children how to read.” “I don’t know how that pornographic videotape came up on my billing statement.”
5. Teen pregnancy
It did not bother anybody in the 16th century. What has changed so much?
6. Throwing up
I do not know that I would want to throw up everyday, but when you really need to do it… man. There is no better feeling than the relief of getting your heaving over with. Except perhaps love.
7. Dead pigeons
When most people see dead pigeons in the street, their reactions are usually ones of either disgust or pity. When I see a dead pigeon, I am filled with sheer delight. Living pigeons scare me senseless; they are ugly and incredibly aggressive. If three or more pigeons happen to be congregating on a corner, I will cross the street to avoid them. When I see a dead pigeon, all I can think is “Score!” One more on the board for humanity.
8. Hair in my food
Nobody ever died from coming into contact with another person’s hair. There is no disease that is communicable by hair. It does not make the food taste any different and it does not convey any sort of ill will towards you from the person who prepared your food. Stop being such a baby.
9. Small Enclosed Spaces
Claustrophobia? Whatever. It just makes me feel like I am being cuddled.
10. Long commutes
Trust me, if I am “commuting” to a place; I am in no rush to get there. A long commute just gives me some time to listen to Fall Out Boy and still feel productive. The only bad part about it is the end, when you are actually at the place you are supposed to be. Nothing is more depressing than turning off your IPod and dragging yourself off the train.
Pregnancy tests are expensive. Every time you get your period, you save 15 bucks.
12. The price of coffee
Let’s be real. I am never going to buy an espresso machine, and if I ever find one in an alley somewhere, I am never going to take an entire twenty minutes to learn how to operate it. You can get some fancy, tasty stuff at Starbucks, and it is ten times better than drinking my humdrum coffee in my cracked mug in my unwashed pajamas. Also, most of the time when I buy coffee at a coffee place, I hang out there for a while. In that case, the price of coffee really becomes more like rent for being able to stay in a warm building with comfortable chairs, instead of standing around outside in the snow like some hobo.