National / Sports / October 23, 2008

Dear Ernest…

You cheer up. Now, you’ve had a rough go the last few weeks. The Cubs, despite being one of the best teams in baseball (note: not the best, but that is an argument for another day) during the regular season find themselves eliminated from the postseason in abrupt fashion. Now, I’m sure Lou and the guys were broken up about it the first day, but I’m sure when they got back to counting their millions, playing video games, and cheating on their wives, they felt a whole lot better. All I’m saying is: follow their lead.

I understand your concerns for baseball’s postseason system – I’m also concerned with the flawed system. You’re right, there is an inherent lack of meaningful sample size in the current system. Sadly, Commissioner Selig and his old, white lackeys will hold onto the wild card like grim death. The only change forthcoming will probably be a 7-7-7 game system, as opposed to the current 5-7-7. Still flawed, but slightly better.

One thing I do not understand is your complete lack of appreciation for the modern version of baseball. While I often find myself lamenting our lack of disabled-beating racists like Ty Cobb, pitchers with limitless endurance like Walter Johnson, or fat, fur-coat wearing sluggers like Babe Ruth, I still appreciate the modern ballplayer. Men like Dock Ellis, who threw a no-hitter while tripping on LSD (a game in which he not surprisingly struggled with control), or Elijah Dukes, who once sent a picture message to his ex-wife of a gun with the caption, “you dead, dawg”, or his former teammate Delmon Young, who once hurled his bat at an umpire after he called third strike.

Mr. LoBue, this is simply the tip of the iceberg. I haven’t even mentioned Brett Myers, who last week helped lead the Philadelphia Phillies to the NL pennant. In 2006, Myers punched his wife outside Fenway Park after an argument. It’s offensive enough to do it in public, but outside the baseball Mecca that is Fenway Park? That disrespectful, no good, son of a bitch. He shouldn’t have been arguing with his wife, he should have been begging Stephen King to autograph a copy of The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon. Now he’s pitching in the World Series, and you want to tell the loyal readers of TKS that baseball has lost its edge?

Sir, there’s more. What about Bobby Jenks? He’s the pudgy, soul patch-donning heartthrob of Chicago and you neglect to mention his quirks. First of all, he’s fat. Very fat. Second of all, he’s an alcoholic. Jenks once got so drunk that he lit his arm on fire! Finally, he’s an anti-Semite! Need I say more?

I should? Ok. What about managers? Sure, there are tame ones like Eric Wedge, Bruce Bochy, Manny Acta, etc. Those guys will be gone in the next five years. They don’t have staying power. Look at Ozzie Guillen – he’s made of Teflon! I think he could sacrifice a virgin at homeplate before every game and the media would swoon. Hell, he often mistakes homophobic slurs for pronouns and the media blames it on the clash of American and Venezuelan culture. How about Joe Maddon? Sure, he seems like a nice guy, but look at his glasses. I don’t trust a man that takes style cues from Rivers Cuomo. He’s hiding something.

There are countless others I haven’t mentioned. Perhaps next time we can discuss Darren Daulton’s existential theories, or Ugueth Urbina using a machete and gasoline to discipline his farm workers. All I ask is that you appreciate what baseball has become. Sure, we aren’t the NBA, or even the NFL, but we’ve still got assholes. And they deserve better.


Kevin Morris

Kevin Morris

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