Aries (March 21-April 19): Valentine’s Day is just a fake holiday designed to make money for greeting card companies and make single people feel bad. The stars advise you to keep telling yourself that.
Taurus (April 20-May 20): Think again about your plan to take your special person bowling this Valentine’s Day. One of you is sure to end up with gutterballs.
Gemini (May 21-June 20): While you’re getting busy with your sweetheart tonight, consider the fact that, somewhere out there, your parents are doing the same thing.
Cancer (June 21- July 22): Alone for Valentine’s Day? Think of it this way: that totally sucks.
Leo (July 23-August 22): Your cup of love was full, but you got drunk and knocked it over. Hope you like watching Die Hard on T.V., because that’s the only action you’ll be getting tonight.
Virgo (August 23-Sept. 22): If you don’t have a Valentine, your foot will fall off. If you do, kudos!
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): The stars are sorry about your broken heart. Remember that time heals all wounds (although, unfortunately, you’ll be all wrinkly by then).
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov 21): Don’t think of it as being dateless on Valentine’s Day. Think of it as an opportunity to spend some quality time with your cats.
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21): Chocolate gives you acne and flowers make you sneeze, so really, the stars did you a favor by standing you up this year.
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19): Like the goat that gives your sign its animal totem, you’re not too picky. This is fortunate in your case.
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 19): Here’s a handy tip from the stars: if you tell people you’re celibate, it makes it sound like you’re not getting laid on purpose.
Pisces (Feb. 20-March 20): Have a great time this Valentine’s Day! The stars say it will be your last.