Columns / Discourse / April 15, 2009

Unicorn sighting

Conservatives at Knox are becoming a rarity. If you’re a conservative connoisseur like myself, then you were no doubt excited about the breathtaking sighting made last Monday April 8 in Kresge.

If you were too busy being brainwashed by your liberal professors to make it to conservative David Horowitz’s speech, and not enough of a nerd to watch it on The Knox Student website, let me summarize for you his main points:

First, there is no other way besides pluralism. No other way.

Then, to prove that liberals are involved in a conspiracy to brainwash college students, Horowitz talked about old news stories we remember hearing about at some point.

For instance, there was this one time Duke University expelled three lacrosse players falsely accused of rape. All of them white. All of them. Coincidence? Horowitz thinks not. It’s hard to imagine a university expelling three black lacrosse players for alleged rape, Horowitz says. Probably because it’s hard to imagine three black lacrosse players.

Also, according to Horowitz, there was that thing with the president of Harvard and stuff, remember? Indeed, former Harvard president Lawrence Summers was fired for saying that women are worse than men at the hard sciences: math, science, and getting the damn computer to work. Summers asserted that gender is not just a social construction, but biological: men get hard easier. During Summer’s presidency, the number of tenured jobs offered to women at Harvard fell from 36 percent to 13 percent. Apparently, one of the women found out that 13 was a smaller number than 36 and used her verbal skills to tell the others. I would feel bad that Summers was fired, but sympathy is a woman’s job.

Merely judging by the size of our shock, it’s apparent we really aren’t used to hearing such stupid things. I mean, I would have found this stuff offensive before college. This either means I’m actually not being brainwashed by my liberal professors, or that the brainwashing started even further back. Briefly, let’s investigate elementary school…

From the beginning, they told us we were all special, obviously in order to ostracize the normal kids. Though I was innocently unaware of it at the time, my kindergarten teacher espoused Marxist ideology. She told us to “share” and encouraged us to consolidate our blocs.

I remember an incident where my art teacher explicitly stated she wouldn’t allow me to pass a coloring assignment unless I colored it something other than white.

The gender make-up of my elementary school teachers was 95 percent women. No accident. They taught us a V-shaped hand signal known as a “peace sign.” They forced us to use it in a kind of salute intended to silence dissidents. I can only speculate with horror why it was shaped like a V.

In any case…

Yes, it may very well be that we students are brainwashed to believe that minorities are still oppressed, that people around the world deserve equal rights, and that the sun is the center of the solar system. But at least our heads are clean. And at least they aren’t, as Horowitz claims his is, growing unicorn horns.

Ben Lee

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