Columns / Discourse / September 30, 2009

Ask an environmental studies major

What would win, a bear or a tiger?

First off, excellent question, and I thank you for bringing your concern to me. I’d like to begin by addressing my credentials. You see, a lot of people assume that being an ENVS major is all about smoking weed and hanging around wishing for revolution. Granted, such activities are essential to any well-rounded environmentalist, but we’re also all experts on everything to do with nature. Everything. So not only am I able to answer this question with complete authority, I could also probably paint this happening using leaves and stuff.

Right off the bat, let’s clear up the fact that these aren’t normal animals, as the two would not interact due to non-overlapping ecological niches. These are power animals, and the tiger has wings. This is countered by the bear’s Arctic Blast Breath Attack®, which is highly unconventional, but will not lead to disqualification, but could very possibly lead to convergent evolution. Anyway, so the tiger, who’s named Bloodfist, is, like, totally peeved about the lack of effective poaching laws and his tigress’s infidelity, so he’s got a bone to pick with Al, the bear, who’s simply in the wrong place at the wrong time. He was on his way to a convention, which, if you really stop and think, is analogous to conductive currents in mantle flow. Anyway, Al wandered off the path, and was a total tool about getting lost, and didn’t tip Bloodfist after he helped him out. I’m not saying he needed to tip him, I’m just saying Bloodfist would’ve appreciated it. He’s been through a lot.

So Bloodfist takes off, flies around for a while, then does that thing The Rock (metamorphic) used to do with his elbow. Al dies hardcore.

We can assume that such a cap and trade like this could only occur in space.

My office hours are 4-10 a.m. MTuF. I’m available at 651-303-1873.

Tim Lovett


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