After a particularly crazy week, I recently decided that I would indulge in a trashy movie, so I headed to that grand Galesburgian palace of misfit media, Family Video. I was browsing the aisles when I stumbled upon a movie called “Teknolust.” After reading the box, I learned that it starred Tilda Swinton (of “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” and “Burn After Reading”) as a scientist named Rosetta Stone (ha) who creates not just one, but three clone-cyborg hybrids that must feed on sperm (which they refer to as ‘succulent protein’) to live. With a name like “Teknolust,” and a plot like that, how could I go wrong? I thought that the plot promised on the box would counteract any amount of awfulness.
Let’s just say that “Teknolust” wins the award for single most deceiving DVD cover ever. The back cover says it’s set in the future, though the future looks suspiciously like today with smaller cars. I feel bad for the poor sap that was expecting steamy robot threesomes when they picked “Teknolust’s” greasy cover off the shelf. Apparently, when Rosetta made her sexy alter-ego robots, she forgot to give them any working knowledge of human attraction, because instead of seeing lusty robot lovin’, we get to see a socially inept Tilda Swinton try to seduce men into janitor’s closets. For 80 minutes. That is, until she meets a Kinko’s copyboy reject and eats donuts with him—and no, that’s not a euphemism. For a little bit of story arch, there’s an outbreak of a computer virus STD that manifests itself as a barcode on guys’ foreheads, but that idea is quickly passed over. You can almost see the makers of this movie saying, “What? Humans can’t catch computer viruses? Well, we’ve already filmed 20 minutes of it, so let’s just leave it in.”
That said, the movie is not a complete waste of time. Swinton’s a great actress, and all I can think is that she was blackmailed into the role. However, if you don’t want to sit through 80 minutes of awkward cyborg advances, you can watch the movie’s most redeeming scene on YouTube under “Teknolust Dance.”