Mosaic / April 8, 2010

Student submitted piece: A satirical take on the ‘Don’t Ask Don’t Tell’ policy

Imagine that you’re serving in Afghanistan. You’re in the middle of a firefight in a small town near Kandahar and things are getting pretty hairy. All of a sudden your friend turns to you and says, “There’s something I have to tell you…I’m from Dayton.” You look at him. Surely he means Dayton, Indiana, right? But no, he does not. He is in fact from Ohio. Over the next few days more people in the unit come out as Ohioans. Morale is shot to pieces. Soon the entire unit is disbanded, all because one person couldn’t keep his mouth shut about being a Buckeye.

Some people will tell you that being from Ohio is an inherent part of a person, that one can’t help being a Buckeye. This is patently false. Being from Ohio is a lifestyle choice. People could just as easily be from Indiana, Michigan or even West Virginia, but instead every year millions of people make the hedonistic choice to be Ohioans.

We cannot put our national security in the hands of people who choose to live in places like Columbus or Toledo, notorious dens of iniquity and sybaritic excess. If we allow Buckeyes to serve openly in the military it will corrupt the morals of our young men serving overseas. When they are done with their tours of duty they might choose to move to Ohio themselves, thus playing right into the hands of the Buckeye Agenda.

Even the word Buckeye has been appropriated by these degenerate Ohioans. I remember a time when Buckeye simply referred to the tree known as the American Buckeye (Aesculus glabra), but it has been appropriated by the Ohio Agenda to mean something very different indeed.

It now refers only to the fetid, scabrous lifestyle practiced by the kinds of people who choose to live in places like Cincinnati and Akron. I say, that as patriotic Americans, we need to take back this word! Do not let it remain in the decadent hands of the Ohio Agenda any longer!

In order to truly understand the threat Ohio poses to our national morals, I think it behooves us to understand a bit of its sordid past. Ohio as we know it came into being in 1803, but the Ohio Agenda has been working behind the scenes for far longer than that. The Ohio River Valley was one of the main causes of the French and Indian War during the 1750s.

But Ohio’s shameless closet has more skeletons in it than that. The perfidious Orville and Wilbur Wright, who disobeyed God’s law of gravity, were notorious Ohioans. How can we trust people whose ancestors caused a war which spread from America to Europe to the Caribbean, Africa, and India to defend our values abroad? How can we trust an Agenda whose members broke God’s plan that Man should not take to the skies to serve in our military?

It is clear to any reasonable person that Ohio is a lifestyle choice, a lifestyle choice that is ruining this great country. It corrupts the morals of our young people and promotes hedonism.

Ohio stands against everything our forefathers stood for. To be from Ohio is an abomination in the eyes of the Lord. We must not allow our military to be demoralized by forcing good-hearted Pennsylvanians or Indianans to serve alongside morally bankrupt Buckeyes.

David Sievers


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