Well, at least the Super Bowl was a good game.
Due to the inconceivable demands of a bunch of old and wealthy men, it seems Sunday’s 31-25 Packer win may have been the last NFL game for some time. Hip, hip, hooray for the impending lockout doom!
Today’s order of business: highlights/lowlights from Super Bowl XLV.
1. Cameron Diaz caught on camera feeding New York Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez popcorn. Seriously, I’m a Packers fan, and this was my favorite moment on Sunday: more than Nick Collins’ pick-six, Clay Matthews’ helmet-to-bicep strip or Shaun Suisham’s 52-yard field goal attempt that missed by, well, about 52 yards. Oh, but seeing A-Rod fed popcorn by a B-movie actress! How the mighty have fallen.
2. Troy Aikman and Joe Buck resisting the urge to say “Brett Favre.” One of the most popular—at least in print—prop bets for XLV was very simple: would the FOX telecasters manage to drop the dong-shot texting quarterback’s name between kickoff and celebration? As it happens, both Aikman and Buck helped further Favre’s fast descent into total irrelevance. Good on you, boys.
3. Las Vegas lost all their money. Well, this one is kinda sad. In a city with horrendous unemployment, I guess it’s no good for the only thriving businesses in the area—casinos—to suffer huge losses on their biggest weekend of the year. Still, it’s nice to see that the savants who set gambling lines can have a losing day too. Early reports indicate that most everyone, from gambling experts to squares off the street, had the Packers winning. On top of that, most took the over (which the 56 combined points between the Packers and Steelers obliterated).
4. The Packers won. All this dynasty talk is hooey—I don’t even care. The Packers won. They might win again next year (current odds are oscillating between 7-1 and 6-1), but I don’t care right now. I’m pretty sure this was how I felt after Super Bowl XXXI—though I still cried after that horse-faced jackal from Denver crushed them the next year. So don’t hold me to the “not caring about next year” thing. I guess.
1. FOX. Can we just stop acting like they are a legitimate organization in any way, shape or form? Let’s set aside FOX News, which is in and of itself an organization dedicated to churning out Republican talking points lifted from Newt Gingrich’s end-time diaries. FOX actually preempted their own pre-game show to air a live sit-down between professional shouter Bill O’Reilly and President Obama. And, after O’Reilly was done reading snippets from the editorial page of the Wall Street Journal, the network went back to Frank Caliendo doing impersonations of Brian Dennehy.
2. FOX and the NFL recite the Declaration of Independence. Really? I’m just assuming that the NFL was strong-armed into this by Roger Ailes or that googly-eyed man from “Fox & Friends.” Mainly because I cannot exist in a world wherein the Commissioner of the NFL decides, “Hey, let’s have Drew Brees, DeMarcus Ware, Colin Powell and a bunch of men standing in front of tractors read some Tea Party Hustler-stories to get America’s juices flowing!” Also, I know that the Declaration is what really matters and blah-blah-blah, but how oppressively awkward were Powell and NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell standing and walking together? Sweet lord, the NFL should have had Aaron Sorkin come shoot that garbage.
3. The excessive celebration penalty on Nick Collins. Hey, that guy just made the play of his life in the biggest game of his life, and then had the audacity to drop to his knees in the end zone. No, sir! Flag that man!
4. That Groupon commercial. That was offensive, right? I’m not going to pretend that I have ever given a second thought to the Tibetan crisis—see, I know there’s a crisis! I’m legit—but I’m pretty sure using a human rights matter to help sell coupons for half-off cocktails at a Vietnamese fusion restaurant in Boystown is not exactly helping. Am I wrong?