“Female, bisexual, redhead, 19, currently dating a male.
Me and my ex used to be into S&M. I don’t know how it… happened but we just did and I want to start doing it with my new boyfriend. I don’t want to be rejected cause that is f***ed. How do I make this work? Oh, I also like watersports*, he doesn’t know.”
*urophilia or sex-play with urine
Octavio and Esmeralda Respond:
O: Alright so what do you think? I’m not sure what I’d do.
E: I mean I think it will probably be less of a big deal than she thinks it’s going to be. People in our culture are becoming more and more aware of S&M—it’s in movies, the media. I mean, Rihanna has a song about S&M
O: She does?
E: Yeah S&M is not that weird, and people our age at a place like Knox don’t generally think of it as that weird. She could bring it up kind of lightly and see what happens.
O: Play the Rihanna song and ask about it. Test the waters from there. Now what about the watersports?
E: That part is a little different. I don’t think it’s weird but I’m not everyone and people get weird about bodily fluids. Rihanna isn’t singing songs about watersports.
O: I don’t know what I would do…I guess I feel like a prude.
E: Yeah but you know, it doesn’t need to be a big deal. I mean ideally we could all just sit our partners down and have nice long discussions about our kinks from the start, but I get why someone might be worried.
O: So how to bring it up?
E: Lightly maybe? In the shower?
O: Cause it will wash off really quick!
E: Communication is kind of key here. You really can’t just start peeing on someone…that’s kind of rude. But shower might be less intimidating to the boyfriend than bringing it up in bed and dragging out a tarp. It can be joking and then see where it goes.
O: A friend of mine was seeing this one girl and she did that. Just out of nowhere.
E: How did he react?
O: He just peed right back haha
E: Well that’s good; it just shows it’s something you can joke about even if you’re not into it.
O: I guess that’s the best way to do it…pee jokingly. Another idea is to maybe bring it up in conversation, maybe with other people. Start talking about fetishes you’ve heard of or articles you’ve read about kinks and see where it goes. You might be surprised by what people are comfortable with.
E: Yeah, be like “Oh hey have you heard what kids are doing these days…”
O: And then bring it to the bedroom.
E: And who knows maybe she’ll see that he’s into that. Or maybe he’ll come up with his own surprising fantasies.
O: Really just starting that conversation is the first step. It doesn’t have to be a long sit-down affair if you’re scared…
E: …just start introducing things and see where it goes before you discuss in detail.
O: But what about the relationship ending? Any thoughts on that possibility?
E: I feel like that’s a bad reason to break up with someone. I mean, watersports might strike people as weird but they’re not morally questionable.
O: There are weirder things
E: Yeah! Ones that, who knows, he might know more about than she does. Make sure you know what can of worms you are opening, and happy showering.
Email Octavio & Esmeralda at email@example.com with your questions.