Arts & Culture / Mosaic / April 20, 2011

Drinks of the next millennium

A new line of Neuro brand drinks has been sweeping the campus—with conversations about them mostly consisting of “Cool bottle. What the heck is it?”

The intriguingly shaped drinks come in seven varieties in the C-Store: Trim, Sport, Bliss, Sun, Sleep, Sonic and Gasm (as in NeuroGasm. Get it?). Each kind boasts different benefits, but they all have only 35 calories, and are either non-carbonated or “lightly” carbonated. In addition, some of them carry the interesting warning that they are not for consumption by pregnant women or children. Even some of the non-caffeinated varieties have this ominous message. Take from that what you will.

In order to experience the full assortment I tried drinking one a day, taking notes of any perceived effects. The first thing I noticed was a “chalky” taste at the start of the carbonated varieties—Bliss, Sonic and Gasm. Besides that, a vaguely fruity taste seems to be a common trait across all the varieties, with slight differences between then. I wasn’t able to get to all of them, but here’s my experiences with the ones I did try:

Sonic—chalky start, vaguely cherry taste. I drank some before class, but it didn’t seem to do the trick. I still felt like dozing off during a mid-morning lecture. To follow through I downed the rest of it after class, but still didn’t notice any major increase in energy or “focus.” That is, until the massive crash. About four to five hours later my energy levels plummeted. Five Hour Energy this isn’t, to be sure.

Sleep—Best way to describe the taste is like watered down apricots. Not bad, but I’m not sure if it worked either. I was definitely sleepy afterwards, but then again, it was midnight by this point anyway. I did feel reasonably well rested the next morning, but nothing spectacularly out of the ordinary.

Trim—A“brighter” taste to it, but hard to pin down for sure. Definitely fruity, but more like a fruit cocktail than a single variety. The instructions say drink “30-60 minutes before a major meal,” so this one doesn’t seem to be as much of a casual enjoyment soft drink as it is meant (at least marketing-wise) to actually work with reduced caloric intake for weight loss. Also claims to “increase calorie burning.” It’s not possible to evaluate that claim in just a week, but hey, the placebo effect has some value, right?

Sun—Sort of pina-colada-like, in terms of flavor. With 250 percent Daily Values of Vitamin D, I’m not sure if this is supposed to give you a sunburn or what. Claims to “heighten mood,” but I didn’t notice anything out of the ordinary after drinking it.

Gasm—A strawberry taste to it, maybe? This is a hard one to guess. What is clear is that it is supposed to give you *ahem* “energy,” with like three kinds of caffeine going on here. As to the stated intention—no comment.

Bliss—Probably my favorite of the entire line I’ve tried so far. For my money, it actually seems to do what it claims—promoting stress relief and calm. Even though it blatantly carries the “not for pregnant women and children” warning, I can’t get enough of the stuff.

Andrew Polk

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