Discourse / May 11, 2011

Ten facts about Abraham Lincoln

1. Not only was he born in that famous log cabin, he built it too.

2. His beard was made of hemp.

3. He had a double identity as journalist Daveraham Dinkin.

4. Though there has been speculation that Lincoln might have been gay, this has been proven false. Extensive photographic analysis indicates that he was quite frowny. (The frowning was likely due to stress caused by concealing his many homosexual love affairs.)

5. Before Lincoln, pennies were blank on one side.

6. Though he is known for freeing the slaves in the south, he is believed to have enjoyed the master-slave relationship in the bedroom.

7. His most famous speech: “Four score and seven years ago…” is actually just him saying “87 years ago,” fancy-style.

8. He was taller than the Empire State Building was at the time.

9. The first person to have sex in Knox College’s Lincoln chair was not, contrary to popular opinion, Roger Taylor. It was a man named Slaveraham Slinkin, who looked mysteriously a lot like Lincoln, except with more leather.

10. He survived for five seconds after being shot in the head, during which time he still had a higher vocabulary than most politicians today.

Ben Lee

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