The Knox Student

After consulting a Ouija board during a prairie thunderstorm, Moonbeam and Asteroid were struck by a powerful cosmic lightening bolt and subsequently blessed with visionary astrological powers. They became vehicles for prophetic celestial wisdom, under one condition: that they share their insight with the Knox universe.

For the week of September 29 – October 5:

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Did you spend all night in the bathroom after you took the B-Dubs spicy wings challenge? If you need an extension on your paper, now is the time to ask, as you are at your most persuasive.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Your magnetic energy is drawing in admirers this weekend. Take advantage of this romantic opportunity. People find you mysterious now, but may soon discover that your secret life as an adult baby is just a little odd.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Friday and Saturday will be the ideal time for slowing down and reflecting on the weeks’ many events. Yoga or Scrapbooking would be an ideal activity. Be sure to include the clipping from your first appearance in the campus safety log.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Your roommate might be upset with your suitemate about using her toothbrush to clean her new fish tank. Don’t take sides, as people will admire your level-headed objectivity this week.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

Set clear goals and priorities for yourself this week, otherwise you may be subject to others’ itineraries. A friend or partner may drag you along to a football game when you would much prefer a game of “Magic: The Gathering.”

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

As others seek out your advice this week, try to console them. Has your Dad been calling you everyday to tell you that he misses you? He might need your help on something, but is too embarrassed to ask. Is your Mom out of town? Slowly walk him through the steps to make a bowl of cereal. Crisis averted.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Be weary of making rash decisions early next week. While the term may be getting challenging, stay on track. Hopping a train from Galesburg and living like Woody Guthrie may sound glamorous, but the rails ain’t what they used to be.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

The stars say that it’s time to stock pile essentials in case of a cataclysmic event, like the C-store running out of the good coffee. Now is the perfect time to take up extreme couponing. You will never run out of the good stuff again.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

As the wise Abraham Lincoln once said, “Let bygones be bygones.” This weekend it’s time to let go of past grievances. Don’t take revenge on the girl who snatched that tweed coat you liked at the Free Store, it probably has bed begs.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Trust your intuition this weekend. A friend or loved one might present you with an opportunity that is too good to be true. A wild rave in Old Main or mimosas at Breakfast Night in the Oak Room? Don’t believe everything you hear.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Showing off in class this week won’t make you any friends. You might think your life is, like, totally postmodern, but Rob Smith doesn’t want to hear it. Helping a classmate is a better use of your energy.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

It’s time to write that romance novel you’ve always dreamed. You might get some strange looks from your fiction workshop, but stick with it. Your imaginative and creative powers are at an all-time high.