By Maisie “Moonbeam” Maupin and Anna “Asteroid” Casey
After consulting a Ouija board during a prairie thunderstorm, Moonbeam and Asteroid were struck by a powerful cosmic lightning bolt and subsequently blessed with visionary astrological powers. They became vehicles for prophetic celestial wisdom, under one condition: that they share their insight with the Knox universe.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Were you thinking of applying for a post-bac to train carrier crows? Now’s the time, as Neptune finally leaves your sign until 2026. Just don’t forget to send a crow to Roger to let him know when Flunk Day is.
Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
The last time Neptune was in Pisces, Abe Lincoln was climbing through that window in Old Main. So make the most of it! Your talents will be needed now. Sign up for a computer science class next term. Create an app to let everyone know when there’s world quesadillas in the Oak Room.
Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
Now is the time to heal, Aries. Ask that man in a dashiki on Broad Street for advice on brewing your own herbal bubble bath, have your roommate get a copy of “The Idiot’s Guide to Acupuncture” and set up your own spa. Ahhh. Don’t use the needles from your sewing kit!
Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
You know that house that’s for sale for $800, which may or may not have been a meth lab? It’s time to buy! But don’t just sit in your mansion counting your dining dollars, use your new wealth to help the community. Start a community garden for the squirrels in your backyard.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Have you been traipsing around South America ever since your term in Argentina? Your time in Chile might be cut short. If you hear a baby crying, do not run to comfort her, it is probably the dreaded Colo Colo (Moonbeam and Asteroid strongly encourage you to Google this creature). The universe is telling you to quit your nomadic ways and come back to the prairie.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Unlike Gemini, it’s time for you to spread your proverbial wings. Get out there. Whether that means applying to study math in Budapest or analyze child development during the Baby-cry Sumo in Japan, you should get out of your comfort zone. The world is your breakfast bagel!
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
It’s time to face facts, Leo. You don’t always have the best judgment when it comes to the friends you let into your Google+ “bffz” circle. That sketchy guy from the back room of the Family Video isn’t a professor, no matter what he tells you about existentialism.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Before you get down on one knee with that mood ring your squirrel-friend brought you, you need to get to know your future bride. Take her on a romantic staycation at the Wilson House or the campus B and B “Chez Williston”. Just check with maintenance before you try to use the fireplace or the bath tub.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Are you an advocate for the abolishment of non-organic smiley face potatoes in the caf? Before you start preaching, you should take a look at your own habits. Your Jimmy Dean diet might make you sound like a hypocrite. Make sure your activist spirit doesn’t waste away like your arteries.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Love is in the stars as a comet moves through the Slow Jamz Galaxy. Woo your boo with a romantic karaoke rendition of your favorite R. Kelly songs. Seal the deal with a necklace fashioned out of his favorite Girl Scout cookies.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Have you been missing canine companionship? It’s finally time to get a puppy of your own, Sag. If you don’t feel like going through the trouble of sneaking him past the C-Store on your walk, maybe you can just plan a jailbreak for one of the rats in SMC. His new freedom will bring loyalty to your relationship.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
You may get an enlightened idea, and you should go with it. Create a piece of visionary performance art and use all of the venues available to you: Terp, Off Knox, The Kensington, an empty classroom, a full classroom, amid a flock of crows, the stairs in the Oak Room, that giant windowsill in GDH. You get the point.