Columns / Discourse / April 4, 2012

A springtime satire

Bees are buzzin’, flowers are flowerin’, bugs are buggin’, birds are burpin’, the sun is shinin’ (does it get shinier everyday or is it just me?), shins are showin’, sun-tan lotion bottles are sillily soundin’: “toot, toot, toot!”, cleavages are holdin’ press conferences, eyes are eyein’, bunnies are adorably dancin’: “bounce, bounce, bounce!”, rabbits are having’ extramarital affairs: dirty, disgusting rabbits. There’s an old jazz standard called “It might as well be spring.” Well, you really shouldn’t sing that song right now ‘cause, guess what, it’s spring!

“But hold on just one second,” you say. “Isn’t spring supposed to follow winter?”

Well, for once in your life, you’re right. Good job! But excuse me as I totally rock your world with this infogram: winter already happened. I know, I know, calm down. “But what about all the snow, and the misery, and the blizzards, and the power outages, and the months of bitterness that deprive my soul of any faith in goodness?” you say, and then wonder how I predicted your words verbatim. Once again, calm down, I was just about to tell you.

Global warming. Just kidding! Everybody knows that’s a conspiracy. Here’s the real deal:

Remember when weathermen were telling people this was going to be one of Illinois’ worst winters on record? You don’t? I do. That’s because I never watch their radar animation screens which are really hypno-devices designed to make you forget. We can only draw one conclusion: Somebody winter-napped our winter, tied it up, starved it and winter-boarded it.

See, there’s a weather phenomenon that weathermen like to call “La Nina.” Weatherwomen also like to call it “La Nina,” though in higher voices. “La Nina” is Spanish for “The girl who was named Nina.” This is because there was a mythical girl who was named Nina, and when she came around, lots of weird stuff happened. Then she came a round again and played with fire. Then she came around a third time and kicked a hornets’ nest, right in the nest-crotch. Then she came around a fourth time and moved to Sweden to make movies, then back to America to remake those movies. My main point is this: maybe that sneaky girl who does those things knows what happened to winter. But how are we going to get to her before all those evil businessmen?

Without Nina’s intel, it’s kind of tough to be certain, but I think it’s safe to say Iran did it. There’s not any hard proof yet, but it seems pretty clear that Iran is amassing Winters of Mass Destruction, and once it has them, will start hurling them at people without even thinking about it. Then we’re going to hurl our winters at them, and before you know it, it’s going to be winter everywhere all the time!

So get out there and enjoy spring while you can. Remember, if you go into a coma, you might miss it!

Ben Lee

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