After consulting a Ouija board during a prairie thunderstorm, Moonbeam and Asteroid were struck by a powerful cosmic lightning bolt and subsequently blessed with visionary astrological powers. They became vehicles for prophetic celestial wisdom, under one condition: that they share their insight with the Knox universe.
Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
Mercury is in your twelfth house until April 4, making you susceptible to nostalgia. That doesn’t mean you should pull a Don Draper and set up a mini-bar in Founders. People might appreciate your #Draping photos, but Peggy won’t be there to wake you from your drunken midday nap on the floor.
Taurus (Apr.20-May 20)
Now is the time to stop putting off your dreams, Taurus. That position as Fulton County dogcatcher isn’t going to stay open forever. You know how competitive the market for old cartoon jobs can be. You need take initiative and have Terrie Saline go over your resume with you. Little did you know that hanging out with your dog could count as volunteer work!
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
You might be feeling an itch to escape Galesburg this week, as plant booze-cruise is in your house of travel. Grab a friend and make your way to the big city! Peoria’s Par-A-Dice riverboat/casino has never sounded so good! Don’t forget to stop in Chili’s once the boat docks for margaritas and southwest eggrolls.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Going to Smitty’s or Vintage’s this weekend might prove more advantageous than you expected. Rub elbows with other patrons and you might land yourself a job with a union, or better yet, a man who sells whisky-flavored “beef” jerky from his bicycle. Network, network, network!
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
With Mercury in retrograde you might be feeling jealous. Just because you saw that Pee Wee bike in the basement of Sig Chi doesn’t mean you should play an enraged round of Super Smash Brothers with the brothers. Try to have fun, you never know; maybe they’ll let you take it for a spin!
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Maybe you are missing an ex right about now, but there are ways you can find partners who remind you of them. You can always get a Lego Mindstorm kit from SMC and build a Boyfriend 2.0. He’s new and improved, so he always wants to watch The Doctors. And his kisses just might be electric! (Just be careful.)
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
You are super sexy right now, Libra, and people are beginning to notice. Someone might like the way you slurp your vegan chili in the Hard Knox, so keep an eye out for admirers. Don’t wait for them to ask you out, either, get their digits and invite them to your favorite hotspot: the Target café.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Show the world your hidden talents this week to reap the rewards. Your fluency in Elvish, ability to burp the ABC’s or expertise on art made by pachyderms might be more impressive than you once realized. Whatever your talent, make a big impression! For instance, your impression of a certain Scottish professor might be a big hit at a comedy open mic.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Did you attend the lecture on industrial meat production this week? Even if not, you should be inspired to start up healthy habits now, like your new organic pizza roll diet or a newfound addiction to Zumba. Just go easy on the sugar-free Red Bull so you don’t freak out your professors.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Reconnecting with old friends is especially rewarding right now. Call up that person you met that one time on Amtrak with no teeth and make big plans. He would probably love to join you in a barn dance in Knoxville; all he needs is the invite! Just make sure you sign him out of his old folks home so there isn’t a Silver Alert out for him.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Emulating powerful women now can be worthwhile as Venus and Jupiter align to give you feminine energy. Take a hint from the red hat ladies and plan bi-weekly Bunco parties or proofread your paper on the treadmill like Sue.
Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
Facilitating communication in your neighborhood is important now. Organize a forum to discuss the problems in your dorm. Some might be outraged by the habitual barfing in the stairwell trash cans, but help them from stepping on any binge drinkers’ toes. You’re the Dr. Drew of Sellew.