Columns / Discourse / April 11, 2012

Written in the Stars: Knox horoscopes for April 12-18

After consulting a Ouija board during a prairie thunderstorm, Moonbeam and Asteroid were struck by a powerful cosmic lightning bolt and subsequently blessed with visionary astrological powers. They became vehicles for prophetic celestial wisdom, under one condition: that they share their insight with the Knox universe.

Aries (Mar. 21- Apr. 19)

Did you find your calling at the Aerial Dance Chicago workshops this week? Follow your dreams, whatever it takes. Collect old sheets from your suitemates in Post and fashion your own sling on a Gingko tree. Just don’t fall out too much, if you smell like vomit berries you might lose some friends.

Taurus (Apr. 20- May 20)

Don’t be too hasty while making important decisions right now. Moving to Alaska on a whim because you think the Galesburg winter has prepared you to be on “Ice Road Truckers” might not be such a good idea. Maybe you should get your class C license first and practice slinging giant chains over tires at the loading dock.

Gemini (May 21- June 20)

If you’re feeling jealous lately, blame it on the stars. You might get green-eyed when your roommate’s parents come every other weekend to take her out to Taco Bell, but try to mitigate your envy. Channel your jealous energy into corn crafts.

Cancer (June 21- July 22)

The senior you’ve had your eye on since you snuck into senior meeting might not actually go here. She could be an escaped convict who works in town and doesn’t send checks back home to her eight kids in Biloxi. She’s in hiding! If you pursue this relationship everything she’s built at Perkins could fall apart! Don’t be so selfish.

Leo (July 23- Aug. 22)

You’re a self-confessed foodie, but do you know how to cook? Maybe you should take a Sandburg class and learn how to make local delicacies. Squirrel soufflé with poached corn could wow your friends in the quads at your next potluck. Just be sure to abide by hunting laws in the area.

Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22)

Did you get that summer job as a street performer in Barcelona? You are coming into a time of great success now, so go all the way. Apply for a Richter for your plane ticket — hola experiential learning! Try to keep your act simple, though. Not everyone will appreciate your postmodern one-man-show of “Little Women.”

Libra (Sept. 23- Oct. 22)

Have you been eating a lot of fruits and veggies lately? Good for you, but don’t neglect the important vitamins and minerals in other foods. Those wickedly delicious fried jalapeños deserve a place on your plate. If Helmut tries to give you trouble for it, tell him to mind his own business and then take a bite of your chimichanga.

Scorpio (Oct. 23- Nov. 21)

Your frequent performances at Cherry Street open mics have earned you a place as a local celebrity. Embrace it! Sign autographs at Carl Sandburg Mall, order margaritas for a stranger at B-Dubs or talk to local elementary school students about how to seek shelter during high winds.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Money makes the world go ‘round, Sag. Just because you have the freedom to flourish, as a hippie at Knox doesn’t mean you won’t have to get a job once you’re in the “real world.” Grab your poncho — we don’t want you to catch cold — and head down to the career center. Building bongs McGuyver-style might nod to potential in engineering, you never know.

Capricorn (Dec. 22- Jan. 19)

From Friday through the summer, keep an eye out for intercultural love. A summer in Destin might bring you southern love. Just because that cute guy grew up in the bayou and reminds you of someone on “Swamp People” doesn’t mean you shouldn’t give him a chance. A romantic night on the shrimp boat might get steamy!

Aquarius (Jan. 20- Feb. 18)

Pay special attention to your subconscious life right now, Aquarius. Seek out the help of spiritual counselors and rituals. Speaking with the sage at Smitty’s and meditating at Remembrance Rock will bring you solace. Just don’t go overboard and make a human sacrifice at Lake Storey.

Pisces (Feb. 19- Mar. 20)

Mars might be causing you to make hasty decisions right now, but slow down. Don’t elope with the new baker at Uncle Billy’s just because his challah is to die for. Take things slow. Plan a romantic getaway with your boo to Bishop Hill. Learning to spin your own yarn might be a great way to bond. Lingonberry tea with two straws has never been sweeter.

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