Calling it a “natural disaster and genocide rolled into one, and then squished and drowned,” the Movement for Worm Solidarity, or MWS, has released its first press statement since the April 17 catastrophe that took the lives of “a f—ton of our brethren.” This apocalyptic event began with rains which displaced thousands of worms from their ethnic homelands, and was exacerbated by the state of the only available refuge — the paths around Knox College.
The Wednesday night storm dropped a little over three inches of rain — or 12 times the average diameter of a worm dwelling in Galesburg township. MWS spokesworm Raoul Erthshifter expressed his deep concern at the lack of concern on the part of students in the area, who apparently “stepped with more worry for the state of their socks than the marginalized creatures beneath them.”
“It’s an absolute disgrace,” Erthshifter said, “the inhumanity of man. These kind of value judgments, placing non-sentient socks above our proud civilization, are what make us worry for our unborn, earth-chewing children.” However, MWS did commemorate freshman Kelly Clare for stepping carefully in the rain around their squishy, bruised torsos, and “putting us above her sopping shoes.”
Suggesting the worms were “too underground for Knox,” local worm Ernesto Umbridge says; “Think about it — the Native Americans had their Trail of Tears, and now we’ve been subjected to this — a “Trail of Slime.” Ernesto and his family are considering leaving Galesburg for “fresher earth, with less cruel shoes.” The term “Trail of Slime” has since been trending on Silent Muncher, the self-described “Twitter for Worms.”
“Sure, humans are dying over in Syria. But we’re dying right here!” Erthshifter stated emphatically, pointing out the worm community’s disappointment in the utter lack of wormitarian aid. As confirmed by this reporter, not a single first-aid tent was erected by either the Knox administration or student body, nor were compost donations forthcoming.
The Movement for Worm Solidarity commended the worms that braved both the torrential downpour and merciless soles and were never attended to by the appropriate emergency personnel.
While some worms dragged their dying brethren away to be buried, most of the victims of this disaster were unceremoniously left to rot on the cement.
When asked for his opinion on the Trail of Slime, sophomore Trevor Curnow expressed surprise at their quick social development. “The worms are f—ing unionizing? Thank God the squirrels still can’t find the acorns we hid to stop them from digging their stupid holes in our grass.”
In response, the Squirrels for a More Bushy Society expressed their solidarity with the worm community, and their “disgust for a campus body that cares more for lawns than lives.”