Columns / Discourse / April 5, 2017

Satire: Local hero applies to work for Dining Services

Unnamed citizen does unthinkable for betterment of student body

On the morning of March 27, an unidentified figure wielding a fully charged laptop sat in the Gizmo and applied to work for Dining Services via Knox’s job bank. Had it not been for her face mask and fearless demeanor, no one would have noticed her, yet nearby witnesses audibly gasped as the figure began updating her application, marking the 8 a.m. to 9 a.m. Saturday time slot under the ‘Availability’ section before clicking ‘Apply.’

“It was honestly surreal to see,” junior Rick Stinktorum said. “I personally have never witnessed such a tenacious act of audacity.”

Dining Services General Manager Diane Welker a few days later confirmed the unbelievable: that this unsung hero had, indeed, voluntarily opted to apply for a job for which she would spend her early mornings washing dishes and cleaning after an apathetic student body.

“I remember dropping my mug of watered-down Innkeepers coffee when I read her application,” Welker said.

One week after her appearance in the Gizmo, the enigmatic citizen was seen pushing the dish cart around the Caf after breakfast. Onlooking students couldn’t help but stop and stare in admiration.

“There’s just something messianic about her,” senior Brian Smathers said as a single tear rolled down his face. “I just couldn’t believe she was doing this for me.”

When approached for a comment, the laconic individual simply smirked and continued wiping down tables.

“I do it because no one else will,” she said in a gruff, gritty voice.

Stefan Torralba

Tags:  column discourse opinion satire

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