Columns / Discourse / October 26, 2011

Written in the Stars: Horoscopes for the week of Oct. 29-Nov. 5

After consulting a Ouija board during a prairie thunderstorm, Moonbeam and Asteroid were struck by a powerful cosmic lightning bolt and subsequently blessed with visionary astrological powers. They became vehicles for prophetic celestial wisdom, under one condition: that they share their insight with the Knox universe.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

The new moon is in Scorpio this week, making transformations an important part of your life. Have you always wanted to live as a hobbit? Now is the time to get hair plugs on your feet.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

You are feeling reflective now, as the new moon is in your house of the subconscious. Did you have a dream that Roger lent you his tractor and you rode it to the moon? Think about the deep symbolism inherent in your dreams.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Whatever you are feeling now, express it! Go all out with your Halloween costume; dress as your inner emo preteen. Buy lots of eyeliner on clearance and practice your brooding, lifetime movie teen face.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

The new moon brings your leadership skills to the forefront. It will be up to you to hold a séance or read the tea leaves this Halloween, but Carl Sandburg helping you with your lit paper is against the honor code.

Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)

The new moon is opening up your horizons now, so it might be time to see out an apprenticeship with someone you look up to. Ask if you can be Chad Simpson’s personal assistant — tweeting and fetching Gizmo smoothies might be more enlightening than you think.

Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)

Does your best friend want to become a champion boom runner in hopes of making it to the Lumberjack Championships? It might not be the best idea to chop down a tree from the arboretum and make your own course at Lake Storey…

Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)

If you’ve felt misguided about love until now, you might need to look for love in unusual places. Get out of the Knox Bubble and explore dating in the wider community. Speed dating at the Broadview could at least lead to fun karaoke, if not more.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

You are at your thriftiest now, Gemini. Accompany your suitemates to Goodwill this week and you will find them all affordable secondhand unmentionables. Pick up some dumbbells and a Jane Fonda VHS while you’re at it, as the new moon has you feeling motivated for physical fitness.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

You’re known for being a little shy, but admit it: you’ve always wanted to wear one of those slutty Halloween costumes. With the new moon, this Halloween is prime time to show off. Convert your Abraham Lincoln costume with cutoffs and lip-gloss.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Just because your friend used your 50 States quarter collection to do a month’s-worth of laundry doesn’t mean you should put laxatives in his froyo. If you have a score to settle concerning finances, choose your words carefully and talk it out.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

The new moon is in your house of community, so you’ll be feeling extra comfortable in your ‘hood now. Stick to the places where “everyone knows your name”—whether it’s chatting with Carlyne in the Oak Room or getting your beverage of choice from your favorite cashier at the Quickie.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

If your telephone psychic network hasn’t taken off yet, it might be time to check the job bank. The new moon welcomes changes. Use your powers for more practical concerns: get a job in campus life and let us know about Flunk Day.

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