Columns / Discourse / May 2, 2013

Squirmish demise: a satire

Calling it a “natural disaster and genocide rolled into one, and then squished and drowned,” the Movement for Worm Solidarity, or MWS, has released its first press statement since the April 17 catastrophe that took the lives of “a f—ton of our brethren.” This apocalyptic event began with rains which displaced thousands of worms from their ethnic homelands, and was exacerbated by the state of the only available refuge — the paths around Knox College.

The Wednesday night storm dropped a little over three inches of rain — or 12 times the average diameter of a worm dwelling in Galesburg township. MWS spokesworm Raoul Erthshifter expressed his deep concern at the lack of concern on the part of students in the area, who apparently “stepped with more worry for the state of their socks than the marginalized creatures beneath them.”
“It’s an absolute disgrace,” Erthshifter said, “the inhumanity of man. These kind of value judgments, placing non-sentient socks above our proud civilization, are what make us worry for our unborn, earth-chewing children.” However, MWS did commemorate freshman Kelly Clare for stepping carefully in the rain around their squishy, bruised torsos, and “putting us above her sopping shoes.”

Suggesting the worms were “too underground for Knox,” local worm Ernesto Umbridge says; “Think about it — the Native Americans had their Trail of Tears, and now we’ve been subjected to this — a “Trail of Slime.” Ernesto and his family are considering leaving Galesburg for “fresher earth, with less cruel shoes.” The term “Trail of Slime” has since been trending on Silent Muncher, the self-described “Twitter for Worms.”

“Sure, humans are dying over in Syria. But we’re dying right here!” Erthshifter stated emphatically, pointing out the worm community’s disappointment in the utter lack of wormitarian aid. As confirmed by this reporter, not a single first-aid tent was erected by either the Knox administration or student body, nor were compost donations forthcoming.

The Movement for Worm Solidarity commended the worms that braved both the torrential downpour and merciless soles and were never attended to by the appropriate emergency personnel.

While some worms dragged their dying brethren away to be buried, most of the victims of this disaster were unceremoniously left to rot on the cement.

When asked for his opinion on the Trail of Slime, sophomore Trevor Curnow expressed surprise at their quick social development. “The worms are f—ing unionizing? Thank God the squirrels still can’t find the acorns we hid to stop them from digging their stupid holes in our grass.”

In response, the Squirrels for a More Bushy Society expressed their solidarity with the worm community, and their “disgust for a campus body that cares more for lawns than lives.”

Tags:  Ernesto Umbridge Galesburg Knox College satire Trevor Curnow worms

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1 Comment

May 04, 2013

I just don’t understand how people can ignore the plight of these gentle creatures. I, together with the non-profit organization Save the Worms, have been out in the Parklawn parking lot all day picking up confused worms and returning them to the earth, so they may once more aerate our topsoil. But worms are crawling out onto the pavement faster than we can work. Worse yet, I see the robins sheltered in the trees, waiting for the rain to stop so they can compound the atrocity. It’s a living nightmare and the mainstream media refuse to address it. Thank you for your courage in shedding light on this tragedy. Together we can bring about a darker future for the crud-munching dirt grubs.

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