Columns / Discourse / October 23, 2019

Pillowtalk: “How the hell do you sext? “

Hi Pillowtalk,


How the hell do you sext? I’m not in a relationship right now, but I’m talking to someone I really like and I think sexting might be in the future –- I’m just scared I’ll mess it up. How do people learn this stuff?


Sexting is hard, and complicated, and entirely unique to its participants. I’d argue it’s one of the more personal writing genres. Funnily enough, though, everyone’s sexting style seems to conform to the same general rules, and they’re the same rules as most internet-speak. The easiest way to learn them, though, is through immersion. Luckily, the internet has us covered there.

The beautiful thing about the web is its vast pool of strange resources. WikiHow has some interesting articles on sexting. There are plenty of magazines with sexting columns. There are three places, though, that I’d recommend you go to find real tips on sexting comfortably: ArchiveOfOurOwn (AO3), Omegle and Slutbot.

Controversial, I know! No one’s gone on Omegle for like, 8 years! Don’t worry, though, it’s still a disgusting cesspool of horny men. I like university mode (where you provide a .edu email) because I know I’m not chatting with a 13 year old. However, I would suggest you start with fanfiction on AO3 and get a good grasp on the concepts before jumping straight in.

The trick to AO3, as any seasoned (or former) fanfic consumer will tell you, is filters. Try “text” or “texting” and “Mature” to get some nicely formatted sexting smut. Play around with pairings until you find something you like or maybe something you’re entirely oblivious to (sometimes the latter is safer). Then, just read. Take notes. Pick up tips. Figure out what feels cheesy and what feels authentic.

Then, escape into the awful, weird depths of Omegle. Pretend to be someone you’re not if it makes you more comfortable. You can be a 6’6” water polo boy with a goatee. Put “sext” or “horny” as your interests. Go to town.

Alternatively, there are sexting sites out there to help you learn! Slutbot has good reviews and might provide a smoother learning track than the more authentic 2010s sexting experience. To each their own, I guess. Slutbot lets users practice sexting with a bot, so you can just jump in with that good experiential learning right away, and so you don’t have to worry about unresponsive Omegle partners. It was created by sex educators and erotic fiction writers, so don’t worry — it’s all expert advice!

Once you feel like you have a vaguely firm grasp on sexting and how to do it, you might be ready to start. You might have an opportunity introduced before you’re ready, too! Either way, start slow. Ask for consent before sexting or sending nudes. Discuss boundaries. Ease into it. Sexting needs some foreplay, too!

At the end of the day, sexting is going to be whatever you make it with whoever you make it. Use lotsssssssssss of excessive characters. Use emojis like the modern hieroglyphs they are. Be cheesy or don’t. Find the weird slang you like for your genitals. Learn how to compliment people’s bodies respectfully. Mostly, though, figure out how best to have fun with it and just fly by the seat of your pant(ie)s.


Have a question for Elleri?

Send it to

Elleri Scriver

Tags:  how to sex sex education sext sexting

Bookmark and Share

Previous Post
Senior reflects on school transfer
Next Post
Vietnamese poet talks at Caxton Club event

You might also like


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.