Columns / Discourse / October 30, 2019

Pillowtalk: Let’s talk about kinks!

Dear Pillowtalk,


I’ve been dating my boyfriend for about 4 months and we just started having sex recently. I’m not exactly a super vanilla person, though, and I don’t know how to bring up kink. We’ve never talked about it before, and I don’t want to just start trying things because, like, consent. I don’t know what he’s into, and I’m kind of scared he’ll judge me for some of the stuff I’m into. How do I talk to him about it?


Be brave. That’s the biggest, most basic part of this answer. Be brave, because your kinks are part of you, and if he can’t treat them with respect and understanding you may have bigger issues than just spicing up the bedroom. He might not have the same preferences as you, but he can’t declare you disgusting just for liking stuff!

For example: I think my friends who like caviar are kind of … disturbed. But they’re still people! And I love them! I just don’t love caviar. No one’s making me eat caviar. By communicating those preferences to me, my friends aren’t telling me I HAVE to make them caviar, or that they won’t live if I don’t make them caviar, or that they’d cheat on me to get caviar … okay, the metaphor breaks down. You get what I mean.

Point is, there’s nothing wrong with having this conversation, and you should talk about it even if you’re not trying to get something out of it.

You could just bring it up. Laying in bed after having sex, or beforehand: “Is there anything that you want to try? Now or in the future?” “Are there any kinks you’re curious about?” “Is there anything you really don’t like?” “What are you into?” “Do you like *insert kink here*?” Texting also works, here, and might be less stressful. This is definitely an eventual in-person subject, though.

You could try a question game! 20 Questions is a good classic and Truth or Dare works too (“What’s your weirdest kink?” “What’s your most common fantasy?” “What have you always wanted to try?” “What’s your least favorite kink?”)! If you’re looking for a cute couples activity, take a BDSM test together ( is a good one) and share the results!

There’s lots of Instagram-story kink templates out there, the ones where you color the boxes red/yellow/green depending on how much you like them. Fill it out, send a blank one, send yours, and compare! See how you’re compatible or incompatible.

You might run into a problem. He might not know what he’s into, what he likes, what he wants to try. Maybe he only knows a few things, and you’re still too nervous to bring things up specifically (I will admit, it’s a little awkward jumping straight into, “So, you ever wanted to be tied to a wall?”).

In this case, start at the extreme ends of the scale and work your way in. Do you like hickeys? (Yes.) Can I dismember you? (No.) Do you like scratching? (Yes.) What about pissing? (No.) Biting? (Maybe.) Choking? (Sure.) This way, you get to the likely zone faster, suss out the big no-nos and open up the conversation.

The hardest part is bringing it up. After that, if your relationship is built on mutual respect and a genuine desire to get to know each other better, it should get a lot easier. Fun, even! As kink should be!

As always, be safe, have fun and please use lube!


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Elleri Scriver

Tags:  BDSM consent kinks safe sex sex sexual arousal

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