Columns / Discourse / February 19, 2020

Pillowtalk: Working out the “kinks” of kinks

Hi Pillowtalk,


My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and I feel very secure in our relationship, but it’s recently come up that I want to try things in bed that he’s not so enthusiastic about. Basically, I’m kinkier than he is. We’re both very monogamous, and I want to make it work, but I also want to be choked, you know? What do I do?


Luckily, you’re not the first person to go through a predicament like this. You’ve got lots of options, and you can just keep trying them until something seems like it’ll work best.

The first thing to do, though, is figure out exactly how important this is to you. Put it in perspective. I know you want to say that your relationship is more important, but think critically about that for a minute. Maybe it’s true, and the kinky urges are insignificant and passing, and your long term partnership is more important. Maybe, though, the long term partnership will have a frustrating, unsatisfying edge to it without the sex you want. That’s up to you to figure out. It’s alright for sex to be important to your feelings about a person or relationship; it’s not shallow, slutty or selfish.

If you decide to prioritize your relationship, you still have options! Decades worth of straight women have written (literally) millions of kinky, erotic novels and fanfiction. Read them, or write your own! Get yourself some rope, perfect the art of choking yourself while you masturbate, buy some toys for your own use. You can be kinky on your own! You can be kinky in your head! You can be kinky with fictional characters!

Another option is to figure out what the limits of your monogamy are. It’s an important conversation to have, even if the answer is that your limits are strict romantic and sexual monogamy with no exceptions. It’s good to talk about the future, too! Maybe swinging is a possibility when you get a little older and settled into a community. Maybe you can have a comfortable threesome or foursome. Maybe you can have a fuckbuddy just for the kinky stuff. And if your boyfriend can’t even have that conversation without getting defensive or jealous, that’s some emotional maturity and relational insecurity shit to figure out. You should be able to discuss your comfort and the terms of your relationship openly.

Remember, relationships aren’t about compromise, they’re about collaboration. If you can’t find a solution where your basic needs are met and your boyfriend is still comfortable in your relationship, maybe you’re not quite as compatible as you think. Sexual compatibility often shakes out to be pretty important, especially in long-term, sexual monogamous relationships. It sucks, but your sexuality is a part of you and your sexual satisfaction is an important part of your health and happiness. Don’t ignore it because we’re taught that it’s a peripheral, selfish indulgent luxury. It’s more than that.

The other big, harsh truth is this: there is probably someone out there who is both emotionally and sexually compatible with you. They may not turn up immediately, or without some trial and error, but they most likely do exist, and they’re probably not as hard to come by as you think. Your relationship with your boyfriend is unique and important in itself, but I guarantee it is not the end-all-be-all of your capacity for romantic and sexual relationships. That doesn’t mean it isn’t worth it to stick out! Sometimes it’s worth it to settle for something lovely, but not perfect; but you don’t have to settle if you don’t want to.

Honestly, no person will be able to fulfill all of your needs. That’s why we have siblings, best friends, parents, acquaintances, tutors, teachers, romantic partners, sexual partners and ourselves. It’s up to you to figure out what you absolutely and exclusively need fulfilled by your partner, and no one else. Good luck. It’ll turn out just fine.


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Elleri Scriver

Tags:  advice kinks relationships sex sexual arousal sexual relationships

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