Columns / Discourse / March 4, 2020

Pillowtalk: A first time and a good time

Hi Pillowtalk,

I really want to have sex (I’m a virgin) but I can’t find anyone to hook up with. I’ve tried a couple times but the guys were weird and I didn’t follow through. I just want to do it! Everyone tells me it’ll happen in time, and the first time should be with someone I know will make it good, but I don’t want to wait. Any tips for getting out there and having a decent first time?

Oh, this is a really good question! I don’t envy you this dilemma, honestly. There’s nothing wrong with really just wanting to get out there. Sometimes it just feels like you need to break the ice and everything will be fine. I get it.

One thing I will say is that most people our age haven’t actually had as much sex as it seems. Yeah, some people have had a lot of sex, but plenty of people haven’t had sex at all, or have only had sex with one or two people, or have taken a really long hiatus. It’s just an activity, in the end, but it’s an activity that requires more than one person, so it gets harder to organize. There’s no pressure, and it’s not just difficult for you.

Tinder is good! There’s plenty of Knoxies on Tinder. Asking your friends to set you up is fun, and parties are convenient, but sometimes dangerous and nerve-wracking. I’d say try a little bit of everything and see what happens. Send out some feelers.

Another option is just to pick a friend, honestly. If you have a friend who’s comfortable with it, it might be a low-stakes, high-reward way to comfortably ease into your sex life. Sometimes it’s easier to be vulnerable around people you trust and who have seen you snort laughing. But maybe that’d be weird for you, and it’s easier to be vulnerable around someone you don’t have to see on a regular basis, or who hasn’t seen you snort laughing. If you go the friend route, establish some boundaries: Will it be a one-time thing? What if there’s feelings involved? What if you don’t like it? What if it changes things? Will you tell other people? How private do you want to keep the details?

I’d also say to get comfortable with your body first, if you aren’t already. See what you can fit inside you and how much effort it takes, if penetration is your goal. Think about how you might teach someone to pleasure you (because there’s always an element of teaching in sex!). Get lube. Get condoms. Figure out some positions you might want to try. Figure out what makes you come. Don’t expect to orgasm your first time, and don’t expect your partner to, either! That shouldn’t be the goal of sex, and it’s pretty normal not to come with someone who doesn’t know your body very well. If you’re hell-bent on that being part of the experience, focus more on that whole “teaching” thing.

It’s also up to you to decide if you want to tell the person it’s your first time. They might get scared off, but they might also be more attentive and more careful. Some people might argue that it’s a big thing to be someone’s first sexual partner, and they might want to avoid that kind of status. But really, it’s your sexual history to share or not to share.

Sex isn’t always great. It can be! It can also be really shitty! I’m going to make a terrible, cheesy analogy, but sex is a bit like a roller coaster. Nerve-wracking, adrenaline-rushing, lots of different kinds. You might really enjoy it, you might hate it, you might prefer the ones that don’t spin because you get nauseous, you might hate the ones that go upside down. You might be up for anything, you might never want to go on one again. It might be a special treat, or you might only do the spinny ones with that one person because you care about them and it’s fun to see them have fun. You might prefer to ride with strangers, or you might prefer to sit next to someone you know. Unlike roller coasters, you can dismount whenever you want, and so can your partner.

My point in all this is that I can’t tell you how to do it, if it’ll be good or bad, if it’ll be fun or not, if it’ll happen this week or in five years, if you’ll keep doing it all the time or if you’ll be stuck with this craving you can’t satisfy. Unfortunately, it’s fairly unpredictable. Keep dismissing weird guys and listen to your instincts. If you really just want to get it over with, add “dtf” to your Tinder bio and wait.

Do it the way you want to do it, and realize that it’s never going to go exactly the way you expect. I hope this helped, and always feel free to keep asking questions!

Elleri Scriver

Tags:  advice sex sex culture sex education virginity

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